We live in two realities and the sooner you acknowledge these two realities, the sooner you can improve at anything.
But it shouldn’t be possible to have two realities and yet here we are. The first reality is the one in our mind of how we want things to be.
The Ego likes to control this reality.
- You did an amazing job on your interview
- The first date went well
- Everyone loved your outfit
I’m not saying these things aren’t true, but our Ego will make them true even when they are false. And yes, the opposite could happen as well when you think the negative version of those things and it was actually positive.
The other reality is the real reality. What really happened. But this gets complicated because what really happened is often dictated by someone else’s reality.
If you want to get really confusing then that means we are living in three realities but it’s better to think of the real reality as someone else’s.
Let’s stick with the interview example.
You think you did well at the interview but you don’t get the job. You don’t get the job because in the interviewer’s reality you did a poor job. The two realities don’t align and this causes massive problems for people who can’t see reality for what it is.
You might believe that you’re in a happy marriage but if your partner is miserable then that happiness you’re imagining isn’t reality.
This is why it is so hard for many people to improve. Their ego won’t let them see reality for what it is.
To make the rest of this essay sensible we will call the two realities First and Second. First Reality is dictated by your Ego until you get it out of the way. It’s the First Reality because it’s always the first one we see.
It’s the one that we react to.
The Second Reality is what really happened. It’s how the current environment is.
I Almost Lost My Scholarship
I had a full academic scholarship in college and I almost lost it. My sophomore year I got an F in Probability. How did this happen?
In my reality, I didn’t need to go to class. I could simply study the textbook. It hard worked for every other class.
When I took the first test I knew I was in trouble. I got a bad grade so the second reality was that I needed to go to class and I needed to pay attention.
But my ego stuck to the first reality. I could figure this out and avoid going to class. Besides, everytime I went to class I had no idea what in the hell was going on.
When the semester was over I received an F.
This meant they were going to take away my scholarship but luckily I was able to talk to my counselor and she gave me a shot. I had to get two As in Summer School for two classes that I knew nothing about:
- Financial Accounting
- Macroeconomics
I got As in both because my first reality now matched my second reality.
I had to go to class. I had to pay attention. I had to study.
I accepted the Second Reality as the reality that I needed to pay attention to.
You Can Only Improve in the Second Reality
Look at the job interview you only get it if you focus on the Second Reality. The one where the interviewer thinks you’re amazing.
Your marriage is only a success when you see how your partner views you.
You do not find success in the First Reality because the ego has one job: to protect you. Sometimes that is helpful and other times it’s just a pain the ass.
Why?
Because we hate change. Change feels no different than pain to the Ego. That means it wants to avoid change at all cost. When we lived in caves it was safer to stay in the cave.
Going out and exploring was dangerous.
To our Ego, change is bad. Don’t do it.
And that’s why living in the First Reality causes people so many problems. How many friends have you talked to in bad relationships? You try to show them how things really are but they aren’t having it.
You can see the Second Reality because you have no skin in the game. Your Ego doesn’t care what the friend does so you can view things objectively. Your friend doesn’t do that initially. They may never do it or maybe they’ll do it after they get hurt.
Sometimes we have to crash and burn to see the Second Reality. It snaps us out of things and leaves no room for excuses.
I once saw a post on LinkedIn where a person was complaining about not being hired. They had a PhD and applied to over 150 jobs.
Their First Reality told them it wasn’t fair and that the job market was fucked. While this could be partially true, applying for 150 jobs and not seeing results means something is wrong on your end, but they didn’t want to accept that.
What would’ve happened if, after the first 30 jobs they applied to, they changed their strategy? That would require them to look past the First Reality and into the Second. If they had done that then maybe they’d have a job after 50 applications.